My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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