I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
