i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just had sex bonerless
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
