Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
