so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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