omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
