Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
