dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
