I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
