I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
