I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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