dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Buhtt sex?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
