if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I puked a lego.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
