I'm sorry my penis didn't work
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
