I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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