What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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