Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she smelled like a LAN party
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
