I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
