I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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