Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This house was built for laser tag.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
