this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
