$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
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it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver