I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
