Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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