I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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