im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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