my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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