at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
