Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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