i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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