oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
