yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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