Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
