New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
