Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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