You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
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I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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