Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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