i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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