His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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