You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
