How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
