first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
