Im at strip club and am horny
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
