I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
