I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Drunk is a universal language darling
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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