Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
send nudes
from the living room?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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