I think im going to throw up on grandma
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
