I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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