I wanna bring you to show and tell
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
