worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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