Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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