I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
