What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
