There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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