No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's never too late to be topless.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
