god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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